guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Okay
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
seriously you guys
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
😆this is so true
