[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.