Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.