Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.