Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

man i love columbo

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Finally

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.