Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

somebody come look at this

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

sensitive skin

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Lol #dogsoftwitter

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.