Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
lol
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!