@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

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@notacroc

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

@IamJackBoot

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

@LlamaInaTux

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.