WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo