Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*pronounces fake like saké*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
boat question
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza