Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.


[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT


I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.


I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.


“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman


Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.


There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.


My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..


How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!


[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS