What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.