A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You Might Also Like
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are