@Annoyedworld

Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

You Might Also Like

@OlanDevine

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@TheRealPhalguy

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@WilliamAder

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

@djr_102

There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

@iGreenMonk

How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS