@Annoyedworld

Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

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@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

@Reverend_Scott

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.