Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.