Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
and now we wait
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Love is in the air fryer.