Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
this is the best interaction on twitter
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.