Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.