Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
At least my masseuse has my back.
“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Happy Thanksgiving
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I finally found a reason to live again.
“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.