Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.