Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.