Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

*updates tinder bio*

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.