Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

this is a sign that you need a union

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?