Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.