“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
my name if I was in the mob
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: