Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is