GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
January has been Januweary
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.