Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

no one likes gloating