guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
What about a To-Don’t List?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.