Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?