guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
tfw you realize …
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Confused owl: What?!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.