Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.