Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes