guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?