Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

How I like cutting carbs

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

So we got a goldfish…

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.