Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.

But they blew it.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”