Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
A French press is when you hug naked
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.