Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
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HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
when a toddler tells a story
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”