Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Fluff me with a fork baby

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”