[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.