[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.