[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts