Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun