Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
the noise i just made
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
lmfao
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.