Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning – not a fan

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.