[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat