Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

🐕🍷

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster