Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
gentlemen, hear me out
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?