Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

🤣

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.