Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume