Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
