Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
May never get over this
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
