Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”