Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You Might Also Like
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.