Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting