Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

This dude got his own movie?

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Inside you there are two wolves

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.