Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Quadruple digit IQ

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

I have never related to a cat more

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.