Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.