Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

The smoothest fall of all time

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

airing out the snack pack

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.