Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

$3 #books

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?