[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
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If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Happy Star Wars day!
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bro what is this
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Why I divorced her.
