@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

You Might Also Like

@bngzyface

[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.

@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

@kaiteasley

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

@FU_TangClan

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

@junejuly12

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.