Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.
How do we dissolve her parental rights?
Me *dying*: Tell my wife I like like her
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.