[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

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[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.


Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?


My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”


a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO


Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter


M: Nah he can’t read


My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.


I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.


I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.