Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

rapatouille

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

He has no idea 🤡

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on