Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff