Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.