Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

I occasionally drink every single night.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.