Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?