GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People