Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.