Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

I am a gravy boat captain

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third