Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.