Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.