[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid