[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.