[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with