Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My teenage children choosing violence

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Me, reading some of your tweets

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

This dude got his own movie?

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

She knows her part so well!

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!