Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.